A lot can change in a year.
A year ago I was someone completely different. To sum it up as easily as possible, I was naive. Sure, I had experienced disappointment and hurt. But a year ago was different. It was truly earth shattering and life altering. We, as humans, often like to philosophize what happens after we die. Where do we go? Who else is there? What does it look like? The imagination runs wild and free, and we are each given the opportunity to create our own afterlife. But it isn’t until you have to picture a friend there – a friend barely older than yourself – that you really begin to challenge the existence of everything around you. Losing a friend much before his time by an unpredicted accident is indescribable, especially when you know that this friend was meant for greater things. Not a life of normality, but rather a life filled with promise and hope for a better world.
Perhaps no one has been able to sum it up as well as ESPN writer John Buccigross: “But Brendan Gilmore Burke’s death is an even bigger loss for the people in the future who would have known and experienced him just once or on a daily basis. I feel the loss the most for these unknown faces. Because during the next 21 years, they will never see the light.”
Each day, I wonder if I am moving further away from Brendan or one step closer. Either way, his death has prompted me to change in ways no other event could have. Although I will never have his charm or his grace, I sincerely try to be that light for others as he was for the people in his life. Oftentimes I falter, tripped by my own imperfections. But I have now acquired the awareness that tomorrow is not a guarantee, so it is best to seize what moments you do have. This is a huge transition for the girl who has spent the first twenty years of her life constantly anticipating what is to come next. While I haven’t completely shed my natural tendency of planning too far in advance, I am making it my goal to better balance my present with my future, all while learning from the past without letting it inhibit me.
So, B, where do I start? What have I learned this past year? I’ve learned that although people deserve to be treated with kindness, that oftentimes isn’t the case. But with that, I’ve learned that each person is capable of stepping up to fight injustice and mistreatment. I am still in awe of the effect your life has had on so many people, even those who have never met you.
I’ve also come to appreciate the value of family. This year has been full of incredible highs, but also tainted with grim lows. But through it all, family is always the one remaining constant. This doesn’t only include the family you share through heritage, but also the family you create with your most valuable friends.
One whole year. I had to say goodbye. I watched my family support each other. I lived in an unfamiliar city on my own. I lobbied to make a difference. I branched out and made new friends. I finally put some fears to rest. But I’m still dealing with others. I welcomed my nephew into the world. These are only a few of my biggest moments in the past year.
Before I finish up, there are a few things I’ve left unsaid for quite some time. I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye. Truly. Or tell you how much you mean to me. Or stopped a few more times on the street just to chat, rather than worry about being late to class. I’m glad that, in the time that we did share, there were a few small moments that I made sure to say ‘I love you’ or ‘you’re so amazing’. Or even ‘you’re too handsome it isn’t fair’. I’m so proud of everything you’ve done and am so grateful that I was lucky enough to have you in my life. My favorite memory is still the first night we met. We talked for hours and I was so amazed that a complete stranger would reach out like that, and with such ease. I loved our walk home and it still remains one of the greatest acts of kindness that I have personally encountered. Or the stairwell talk we had Halloween weekend. These were everyday moments that have grown to cherished memories. I still have the last text you sent me, and I’m afraid I’ll never get rid of it. It was completely ridiculous and I still laugh when I think about it.
And I think you still owe me 10 bucks. But it’s alright, because I owe you so much more.
I still don’t know what I believe happens to us after we die. But it has to be something incredible, especially for people like B. I still struggle to understand why this ever happened. Maybe I won’t ever understand. But if I could have never met you to spare myself the hurt and confusion, I would still have opted to have you in my life. I’m a better person now.
I miss you. Thanks for watching over us.
